That Kind Of Guy

He’s the kind of guy who will tell you everything you want to hear, just long enough to trap you in commitment. Once you’re committed, the mask falls off slowly, leaving you wondering if your perception of him was wrong the whole time.

He’s the kind of guy who claims he loves you, yet lets you suffer in silence while he criticizes you, raises his voice, cusses at your children and throws temper tantrums. He’ll leave you wondering how you managed to get involved with a man-child, because this was not the person you thought he was. He’ll try to convince you he’s a good guy, but over time, you’ll learn that he’s not.

He’s the kind of guy who believes he is the most important person in his life. He prioritizes what he wants, how he feels and what makes him “happy.” He will get jealous of your relationships with your friends, family and children; he will complain that you put everyone else above him, while all along you’re so busy managing his emotions that there’s nothing left for the other people that matter to you.

He’s the kind of guy who kill your dreams, criticizing your every thought and idea. He calls it playing Devil’s advocate, I call it playing the Devil. Your dreams and desires won’t matter to him unless they support his goals. He won’t support anything you want to do, and in the end, you’ll learn to do it all on your own.

He’s the kind of guy who antagonizes his “friends” for fun, stoking political debate that no one wants. He’ll push and push his agenda and narrative until they just quit responding, then complain about how his friends “don’t understand” him or that they “can’t have a conversation.”

He’s the kind of guy who criticizes what you wear. When it’s dark, cold and rainy, he comments negatively on your sweats that are keeping you warm and cozy, because your comfort means nothing to him. He’d rather you scrub the toilet in an evening gown and heels because it’s pleasing to his eye, which is all that matters. He’ll tell you, “See, this is why I don’t like to go places with you,” when you wear a casual outfit to run your kinds to and from practice. You’ll spend every sporting event and activity alone, without him by your side, because nothing is as important as him.

He’s the kind of guy who will take longer to get ready to go out than you do. He’ll contemplate his outfit, question his shoes, and ask for your opinion. And when you confirm he looks nice, he’s satisfied. But don’t expect him to repay the favor. Ask him how you look or what to wear, and he’ll say, “I don’t know, whatever.” And when he doesn’t like what you pick, which is everything, he’ll make a snide remark that hurts your feelings. But he won’t care, because he’s already received validation from you.

He’s the kind of guy who will get mad at you when you prioritize your children and what is best for them. He’ll claim that these decisions need to be run by him, even though he is not their parent, nor their friend, nor anything to them. He avoids your children at all costs, except when he has to assert his dominance by demanding respect and raising his voice.

He’s the kind of guy who will “love” you, but only conditionally. Give him what he wants: run his errands, take care of his kids, cook for him, do his laundry. But when you stop doing those things, he’ll pull back his “love.” Not that there’s really any difference to being loved and not loved by him. It’s all the same: dark, lonely and isolating.

He’s the kind of guy who will squirt you with a water bottle from behind, throw things across the room, unplug your computer while you’re working or break down a door (literally) when you’ve locked yourself in your room to avoid him. He’ll block your car from leaving the neighborhood, then when he finally lets you go, hits your car on his way past you.

He’s the kind of guy who will get on top of you and demand affection during a fight that he started, just to “get things back to normal.” And when you refuse, he’ll angrily get off and mumble insults under his breath as he walks away. He knows no boundaries, and won’t respect yours. You’ll want space and time, and he’ll refuse to give it. He’ll beg, plead and give empty apologies to try to undo the way you think about him, but it’ll be too late. The truth of who he is has been seen way too many times.

He’s the kind of guy who will hold a knife in his hand and say, “this isn’t going to end well.” It’ll scare you so bad that you’ll run out of the house barefoot, get in your car and drive to the police station. You’ll need a police escort to go back to gather your belongings so you can go stay somewhere else for a few days. You’ll miss the chance to get him arrested because you feel sorry for him, and that decision will haunt you for a very long time.

He’s the kind of guy who will drive by your friend’s house to make sure your car is where you said you’d be. He’ll text you the whole time you’re out, ask when you’ll be back and otherwise impede on your time with your friends. He’ll overhear her one day say she’s concerned about the way he treats you, and from that point on, he will hate her. He’ll even call her a fat bitch when she doesn’t respond to his text demanding to know where you are within a few minutes.

He’s the kind of guy who will spend all day working on what he wants to work on. You’ll come home, he’ll be a couple of shots in, blaring his music and looking at his phone. Then he’ll remind you that all he does is work, all day every day, so he can “leave all these bitches.” You’ll assume you and your kids are the “bitches.”

He’s the kind of guy who loves his phone more than any person. He’s attached to it at all times and will blatantly ignore you while he’s engulfed in whatever secrets he’s looking at. But it’s ok, eventually you’ll learn that you just can’t talk to him while he’s on the phone. So pretty soon you’ll hardly talk to him at all.

He’s the kind of guy who will take from you everything that you have: money, time, energy, empathy. He’ll run you so ragged managing his emotions that there’s nothing left for anyone else in your life, including yourself. Eventually you’ll learn you can’t live this way, and you’ll tell him you want to leave. Then he’ll accuse you of never being there for him, for not being his “ride or die.”

He’s the kind of guy who will puff his chest and get in the face of your 13 year old son, threatening him to “step up.” He’ll scare your 10 year old so badly that he’ll call the cops. He’ll even physically take down his own son in the driveway to prove that he’s a man that demands respect.

He’s the kind of guy who will find your personal journals from your past, read them, then threaten to burn them. He’ll yell at your kids for leaving a dish in the sink or candy wrappers in the basement. Your whole house will walk on eggshells.

He’s the kind of guy who will insult your parenting, criticize your decisions and blame everyone and every thing for his depression, anger and overall bad mood. He’ll find himself in and out of court because he is incapable of making sound decisions and taking any kind of accountability.

He’ll spend years trying to convince you that he’ll change, that he wants to be a better man. And it’ll take you years to realize it’s all a lie. He’s not willing or capable to make those changes, but he’ll go to great lengths to pretend. He’ll join a church and get baptized, only to use religion as a weapon and an excuse. He’ll try to pull the wool over his family’s eyes by lying to their face, but they won’t figure it out because they don’t want to believe he’s capable of doing that. But you know he is.

And when you finally move out, he’ll continue to use you financially to his benefit. When that runs out, he’ll find another woman to fool. Afterall, he told you in his own words, “I just want a woman in my bed every night.” They’ll be engaged two months later. He always wanted to get married; not because it means anything to him, but because it’ll be harder for her to leave when she figures him out. While he’s destroying you, he’s simultaneously wooing her, trying to convince her he’s Prince Charming. And sadly, she’ll believe him. But if she just opens her heart up to see the truth, she’ll see right through him.

He’ll refuse to leave the home you bought, and quit paying the mortgage. You’ll have to sue him to get him to leave the house, and he’ll leave you all of his personal debt in the process. He’ll leave destruction in his wake and damage you any way possible. He’ll go after your livelihood, your relationships and your personal property. He’ll throw away sentimental items, including your sons’ hospital outfits and baby blankets. He’ll toss out your important paperwork with no regard. He’ll cost you (and himself) thousands of dollars because he couldn’t make a rationale choice.

The abuse won’t stop after he’s “moved on” to another woman. He’ll threaten your job; he’ll tell you that you need to resign, call you crazy and unhinged and find any little reason to cc your boss on an email to “document” your performance. And then when he gets fired for threatening you, he’ll blame you for his bad behavior. He’ll tell everyone you’re crazy, he’ll blame everything on you. But by that point, you won’t care, because at least you’ll be free of his abuse.

The reality is, he’s the kind of guy who doesn’t care about anyone but himself. He will never find happiness because happiness is not possible for him. He’ll continue to seek it in the heart of a good woman who he will eventually destroy. And she’ll never see it coming. He’ll wear the mask, say everything she wants to hear and she’ll believe him. She’ll trust him. She’ll want so badly to believe that there is a good man beneath his disturbed reality. But there just isn’t. Eventually, she’ll leave, defeated, deflated and with nothing left.

And one day she’ll realize that having nothing left is better than being with him.