How Is Your Dating ROI?
Clearly, I write this blog to express my opinion. That doesn’t mean that I don’t get people who write to me expressing theirs. It happens plenty…and I’m quite grateful for it actually. I love to see the other side of the coin, not only to broaden my perspective but also to give a listening ear to those who don’t get the chance to express their thoughts to the masses.
A friend of mine, whom ironically I met via Instagram, recently reached out to me expressing his disgust in online dating; dating in general, really (#moveoffline). He started to recall his own dating experiences, often saying that he believes that women only date him for free food and drinks; like they’re not really interested in him, but will say yes to a free meal or free drinks (I guess they assume he’ll pay, which I think he typically does).
This was interesting to me for several reasons: 1) Do most women expect the man to pay on the first date? And 2) How could he mitigate this situation without sounding like a cheapskate?
I ALWAYS offer to pay for myself on a first date. Always. I think it’s a subconscious way for me to let the guy know that I don’t “owe” him anything, that I covered myself and that he can’t hold his dollars over my head. Maybe my thinking and rationale is a little fucked up, but it is what it is. Is it even more fucked up for a woman to assume that a man will pay for her on a first date? I don’t know where to go with this…
Feminists will argue that a woman should pay for herself because she doesn’t need a man to pay for her; a chivalrous man will argue that he should always pay because he’s “the man.” Personally I think it’s silly to even argue the point: pay your own way is what I say. First dates are always so awkward anyway…at least get to know someone before you make them pick up the tab; so many first dates do not lead to a second…so these “nice guys” feel cheated by always shelling out the bucks and never seeing their date again. I get that. I understand.
But is this really about money? Or is this about a poor return on your investment?
If you’re a guy and you shell out $100 on a first date (or even $10), and it doesn’t go well or you don’t end up with a second date, do you feel like you’ve lost? And wouldn’t that feeling, over and over again, suggest that you’re losing at dating and women are taking advantage of you? Perhaps. It might make a man feel like he’s investing in something that isn’t paying off. I can see the disappointment there.
Now don’t go getting all crazy on me, ladies. If a man pays for a first date, no, you don’t owe him a second date (or anything else). But I would suggest you take matters into your own hands and pay for yourself. And perhaps this concept will enable you to be more selective on the guys you choose to go out with (since your own money is at stake), which could potentially create a better return on your end.
The overarching problem with this whole situation is that we all have different motivations for dating; some want attention, others need validation, some are actually looking to meet their person; and some are looking for free meals. If you are unsure what your motivation is (and what the motivation of your date is), this is where things get tricky. I’ll argue that if your motivations aren’t in-sync, you’re going to feel shafted at the end of a first date (when there is no second date in the works). So how can we become clearer with our intentions?
The first step is to do some self-work and understand yourself well enough to know what it is you’re doing out in the dating world. I admire the guys who can plainly state, “just looking for someone to have fun with,” or “looking for my partner in crime.” Read between the lines, ladies. And guys, too. And that’s a fair question to ask straight out the shoot, and perhaps a question you should understand before you agree to a date in the first place.
Another thing that has started to become more popular is a phone date or a FaceTime date before meeting in person. It’s easy to do, free, and can be done day or night. While I won’t say it’s a great way to test chemistry, I will say that I think it’s an opportunity to hear and see someone and to get a good idea on if you’ll connect on an in-person date.
Always remember friends, there’s no such thing as free lunch. It is impossible to get something for nothing. Whether you’re paying a tab or foregoing another opportunity to go on a date with someone, there are costs involved. Clean up your dating profile, be honest about your intentions, and get creative with pre-first date options to get to know someone. Pay your own way and save the “who pays for the first date” conundrum for the second date.